A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my penis, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."


This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing "...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..." The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, "...On the road again... " The M.A. is totally unimpressed..."So what?" he says. "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?", the guy asked. "Are you kidding?" says the M.A.. "Any asshole can sing country music!"


THE STATUE

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."


A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him". "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."


Dilemma

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to..to..Cut it off, are you???!?" The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire!"


The father was very anxious to marry off his only daughter so he wanted to impress her date. "Do you like to screw?" he asked. "Huh?!" replied the surprised first date. "My daughter, she loves to screw and she's good at it. You and her should go screw," explained the father. Now very interested the boy replied, "Yes, sir!!!" Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left. After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, "Dammit, Daddy, it's the TWIST, get it right!"


Scientific Research

A study was being conducted by the U.S. to determine why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took 2 years and cost $1.5 million. The results of the study concluded that the head of the penis is larger than the shaft to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

When the results were published, Germany, not convinced the results of the American study, decided that they needed to do their own study. Three years laters, and at a cost of $3.6 million (U.S.), they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

Hearing of these results, a group of scientists in Newfoundland decided to conduct their own study since they didn't trust either the american or German study. After 3 weeks of intense research and a cost of $75.00, the Newfoundland study reached a conclusion: the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to prevent the man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.


A preacher wanted to earn money for the building expansion program of his church. He had heard there was big money in horse racing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter him in the races. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was too steep and the preacher ended up buying a donkey. The preacher figured he had the donkey, he might as well enter it in the race.

The next day the donkey came in third. The racing form's headline the following day read, "Preacher's Ass Shows."

The preacher was so pleased with his donkey that he entered him the next day also. The donkey won. The newspaper's headline read, "Preachers Ass Out in Front."

The bishop was so upset with this type of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in the races anymore. Then, the headlines read, "Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass." This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey.

The preacher decided to give the animal to a nearby convent. Next day's headlines read, "Nuns Have Best Ass in Town." The bishop fainted! He informed the nuns to get rid of the animal.

So they sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the paper read, "Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks."

They buried the bishop the next day. The paper read, "Too Much Ass Responsible for Bishop's Death."


I ask William S. Burroughs if the doctors and nurses at the hospital knew who he was.

"Certainly," he drawls. "The doctor wrote on my chart `Give Mr. Burroughs as much morphine as he wants.'" - Lynn Snowden


WAYS TO REJECT PICK-UP LINES

  1. Man: "Haven't we met before?"
    Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
  2. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
    Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
  3. Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
    Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
  4. Man: "Want to Dance?"
    Woman: "No, thank you."
    Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
  5. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
    Woman: "It's in the phone book."
    Man: "But I don't know your name."
    Woman: "That's in the phone book too.
  6. Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
    Woman: "Female impersonator.
  7. Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
    Woman: "Unfertilized, go away!"
  8. A graying man in his 60's approaches a twenty-something with "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
  9. Two young dudes are striding down the street and and one glances at a girl who has just walked by. She turns around and sneers at him, "What are you looking at?" His friend comes to the rescue: "He thought you were good looking. Man, was he was mistaken!"
  10. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
  11. Guy: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!"
    Gal: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"


Dave the rooster

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster, one that would service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Dave here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Dave back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Dave a little pep talk. "Dave", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word he strutted into the hen house.

Dave was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Dave had finished having his way with each hen. But Dave didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig pen, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Dave, you'll kill yourself". But Dave continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Dave lying on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above.

The farmer walked up to Dave saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy".

"Shhhhh," Dave whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."


A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives forward, SAVING him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again, and the chicken fell into a mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole." So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!


JUST LIKE A WOMAN!

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a handsome, tall, muscular man smiles and starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?" She eagerly nods her head "yes!"

The man hands her his shirt, and he says, "Here. Iron this."


A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".

"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."


After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."

And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'"

So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."

And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'"

So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"



Opie and Anthony's "Masturbata" Song
(to the tune of the Macarena)

Sitting in my house, and I know that I'm alone,
Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bone
Go and grab a Penthouse it's the one with Sharon Stone
Hey Masturbata!

I go a little faster and it's feeling kind of nice,
Once ain't enough so I have to do it twice
If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advice
Hey Masturbata!

I use some baby oil or a little Vaseline,
Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet clean
Never shake my hand cause you don't know where it's been
Hey Masturbata!

I do it in the car when I'm driving down the street,
One hand on the wheel and the other on my meat
I can't get out the car cause I'm sticking to the seat
Hey Masturbata!

Since I was a kid I have been a masturbator,
Choke the chicken, hum the knob, squeezing the tomato
I've looked at Ms. November now I'm gonna decorate her
Hey, Masturbata!

Buffing the banana, Mr. Lizard shaking bacon,
Pounding on the flounder and it's mayonnaise I'm makin'.
Spank the frank, wax the carrot, oh God my hand is achin'.
Hey, Masturbata!


One misty Scottish morning a man was driving down from Wick to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is about six foot three and like a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt and a tweed shirt. At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion.. ..... heartstopping. The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl when the highlander opens the car door and drags him from the seat onto the road. "Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to masturbate", "but......" stammers the driver, "Now...or I'll bloody kill you" So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this only takes a few seconds. "Right" says the highlander "Do it again!" "but....." says the driver. "Now...." So the driver does it again. "Right do it again" demands the highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind, has collapsed in a sweating jibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk. "Do it again" says the highlander. "I just can't anymore - you'll just have to kill me", whimpers the man. The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside. "All right" he says, "NOW you can give my daughter a lift to Inverness."


A doctor starts having an affair with a much younger woman. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do--they won't consider abortion and don't want to put the baby up for adoption. But the doctor's not going to leave his wife, and the young woman can't stand the thought of taking care of the child alone. Several months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to his mistress, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor. "It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What?" says the priest. "What happened? " "You gave birth to a child." "But that's impossible!" "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises that he must tell his son the tr The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."


The funeral parlor called the 85 year old widow to tell her that her 90 year old husband had died with such a massive erection that he could not close the lid of the coffin. He had never seen such seen such a big pecker.

Well she said "Cut it off as close to his body as you can then put it up his ass". The next day the whole family arrived at the funeral home to pay their respects and the widow knelt down near her departed husband and noticed there was a tear coming down his cheek. She leaned over and whispered in his ear "I told you it hurt you old fucker!"


A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" He says , "Put it between your legs." She says, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."


An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of New Mexico when her car broke down. A Native American on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Native American would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."


A farmer from Texas was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant.

He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs.

The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup and drove down to the woods and shagged them all.

The next day he called the vet again, and asked how would he know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him that if pregnant they would be lying down rolling in the mud. But when the farmer looked out the window but not even one pig was lying down. So, he loaded them up in his pickup again and drove them to the woods and shagged them all again.

To his dismay, the next morning, they were all standing. So, again he loads the pigs in his truck drives them to the woods and shags them for the third time.

By the next morning the farmer is just beat, so he asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see what the pigs are doing.

She says, "Hmmm .... that's weird! They are all in the truck and one of them is blowing the horn."


An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker's hair is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings.

When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says, "What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?"

The old guy says in reply "Yeah. One time I screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."


THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

  1. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
  2. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
  3. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
  4. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
  5. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
  6. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
  7. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
  8. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
  9. Less guilt the next morning.
  10. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT,YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!


A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points it to her own head.

The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it!."

The blonde replies "Shut up, you're next."


A supposedly true story

A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Trufts was one of the lucky passengers onboard a Northwest flight to Boston during our recent hurricane "BOB". the captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about a half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom. "well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, just the was we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston."

After a short pause and several clicks "Jesus Christ - whadda bitchin' ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now." As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after, "Don't forget the coffee!!"


A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle. Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there. A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."


Three hockey fans were driving along when they spied a body in the underbrush. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a deceased young woman.

Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Vancouver Canuck's hat over one breast. The second guy, a Boston Bruin fan, placed his hat over the other breast. The Montreal Canadien fan then placed his hat over the woman's very private part.

Soon the police arrived. The coroner started checking over the body. He picked up the Canuck's hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked up the Bruin's hat and returned it. Then he picked up the Hab's fan's hat, put it down, then picked it up again inspecting the hat more closely, and then put it down. Then he picked it up a third time.

By this time, the Hab's fan was a bit irritated and he asked, "Why do you keep picking up that hat? Are you some kind of pervert or something?" The coroner responded with a wry smile, "Boy, I can't figure it out. Usually when I come across one of these Hab's hats, there's an asshole under it."


Judi (a.k.a. dumb blonde) walked into the doctors office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound!

Judi said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, and first stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin it, so I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud...


A young couple just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. as they undressed for bed the husband who was a big burly bruiser tossed his pants to his bride and said "here put these on". she put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "i can't wear your pants" she said. "that's right" said the husband," and don't forget it . I'm the man who wears the pants in this family". with that she flipped him her panties and said "try these on". he tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his knee cap. he said "hell, i can't get into your pants". she said "that's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your goddamn attitude changes".


Stowaway

A depressed young woman from Manhattan finishing school was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded. What did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" he asked. "I had an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and every night he came and screwed me." "He sure did, lady," said the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry".


Dave@cyber.sex

Dave:Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart:I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Dave:I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from C&A. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of madras sauce on it from dinner...and it smells funny.
Sweetheart:I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Dave:OK
Sweetheart:We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Dave:I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart:I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Dave:Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart:I'm moaning softly.
Dave:I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart:I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Dave:My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole inyour blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart:That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Dave:I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart:Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder.
Dave:I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart:I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Dave:How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart:I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Dave:I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart:I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Dave:I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart:What?
Dave:I'm so sorry; Really.
Sweetheart:I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Dave:I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop
Sweetheart:OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Dave:I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart:I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Dave:I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart:What's the matter?
Dave:I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart:Are you OK?
Dave:I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart:Can I help?
Dave:I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart:In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Dave:I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart:Come back to me, lover.
Dave:I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart:I'm on the bed arching for you.
Dave:I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart:Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Dave:I found it.
Sweetheart:I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly..
Dave:Me too.
Sweetheart:Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Dave:Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart:Why don't you take off your glasses?
Dave:OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart:I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Dave:I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart:Hurry back, lover.
Dave:I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart:I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Dave:I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart:What's the matter now?
Dave:I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart:Mmm, yes. Come on.
Dave:OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart:Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Dave:I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart:I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Dave:I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart:What?
Dave: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart:I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Dave:I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart:No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Dave:No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart:I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Dave:I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart:Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Dave:Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart:<logged off>


Rejected Dr. Seuss books:

  1. The Cat in the Blender
  2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
  3. Fox in Detox
  4. Who Shat in the Hat?
  5. Horton Hires a Ho
  6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
  7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
  8. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
  9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
  10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
  11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
  12. Are You My Proctologist?
  13. Yentl the Lentil
  14. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
  15. Aunts in My Pants
  16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
  17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
  18. The Grinch's Ten Inches


An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers.

The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.


Mr. Hi-TECH

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers...like a telephone.... on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand; I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bar tender says prove it.

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bar tender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible," says the bartender. "I would never believe it!" "Yeah," said the guy, "I'm really very hi-tech. I can keep in touch with my broker,my wife, you name it! By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room.

The guy goes in and doesn't come out for the longest time. Fearing the worst given the tough neighborhood, the bar tender goes in to the men's room.

There is the guy... he is spread-eagle on the wall...his pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his backside.

"Oh my god!", said the bar tender "Did they rob you? How much did they get?"

The guy turns and says: "No, no,... I'm just waiting for a fax!"


BUMPER STICKERS SIGHTED THROUGHOUT THE WORLD

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"i souport publik edekasion"
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."
"All generalizations are false."
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."
"Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"
"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"
"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."
"I Brake For No Apparent Reason."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
"I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"
"No Radio - Already Stolen"
"Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
"Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"
"Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."
"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. "
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
"Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock."
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."
"I is a college student."
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"


"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"